Live With Not Knowing

by Sharon Gutterman, PhD

When we human beings lack information, we tend to expect the worst. This old saying rumbles through my mind, and at times, can even be comforting when I recognize that this thought seems to be wired into human nature. Having information, be it positive or negative, provides a sense of control over decisions and what to do next. Information, then, affects psychological stability. This coronavirus crisis is a powerful in-your-face experience of not knowing with so many unanswerable questions, and for many of us, this blank space is terrifying. When I become mindful that I am ruminating, intuitively I know I have the option to tell myself stop, breathe, label, and redirect my thoughts. And so, the state of not knowing can provide an opportunity to observe the intersection of thoughts, feelings, and body sensations.

With cancellations mounting daily and being sequestered at home, I am trying to reframe this experience as a retreat. I am more aware of living in the present moment and pausing to experience and name feelings and body sensations…investigating the movement of subtle energies...waves of arising and ebbing away ... intentionally redirecting attention. What I do at certain times of the day doesn’t depend on clock-time. I do feel the craving to go places and be with people, but I ask myself: Is what I want to do or go to essential? Vital? Want vs. need? I remind myself that these thoughts will pass, and I try to avoid scratching the “itch”.

A few insights:

When I turn on the TV, the opening screen is the Food Channel, not the news. I navigate from there.

I have certainly lost money in the plunging stock market, but I am spending less. I am making creative meals with smidgens of leftovers, a transformation into gourmet or goulash? And, I am eating smaller portions.

Neighbors and friends check-in frequently. The Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Encore group, who completed the 6-week series at Copper Beech Institute, regularly texts group members with suggestions and messages of encouragement. For example, Sharlene wrote about sending lovingkindness/Metta each time we wash our hands.

I’m experiencing enhanced gratitude for what I do have. Gratitude for the people in seemingly ordinary jobs who now I perceive as extraordinary. What would it be like if garbage wasn’t picked up regularly? I want to hug these people.

This global pandemic has been a huge eye-opener about how connected, how interdependent we all are. What affects one affects all. I am so much more aware of the ripple effects that occur among people and systems.

And finally, I repeat the following meditation several times a day:
Right now, who I am is enough.
Right now, what I do is enough.
Right now, what I have is enough.
I’m alive, and I am here right now, and that’s enough. 

Breathe and smile.